Careening Down

National Foster Care Awareness Month just ended. So did National Mental Health Awareness Month. And yesterday was National Eating Disorder Action Day.  Honestly, I have no idea what any of those things are really about.... I mean, how does it help anyone for the nation to acknowledge that foster care exists? Was anyone's mental health improved in May because the month was set aside to focus on it? What exactly is the "action" we're hoping for in response to eating disorders? It all seems a little silly and meaningless to me... except that those three things ARE what sort of define my existence and make me question my life's meaning.   I wrestle with the effects of fostering, mental health struggles and the reality of my eating disorder every day of every month. In fact, those three (somewhat unrelated) issues are the three things that, braided together, create my experience of life.  Though it has been nearly 5 years since we closed our home to new foster placemen...

  I am 50 years old. I’ve had half a century of life experience. What do I have to show for this significant amount of living? 20 years of growing up (challenging years that I survived) 28+ years of marriage 26+ years of parenting 5 pregnancies 1 adoption journey (that took 3 years) 6 children 30 foster children 15 students I have taught in school 20+ years of formal teaching (homeschooling + classroom) A handful of treasured friends 18+ years of formal schooling as a student 1 completed novel (which sold dozens of copies) 1 CDA credential 1 house I have made into a home (+ 1 townhouse & 2 apartments) 4 states I have lived in (PA, OH, MO, FL) 40 years of struggling with exercise and weight obsession Zillions of mood swings and big emotions 1, 2, 3 mental illness diagnoses (depression, anxiety, anorexia) A lifetime of Catholicism 6 sacraments received (baptism, communion, reconciliation, confirmation, marriage, anointing of the sick) A few...

 I am over weight. Over the weight I want to be. Over the weight I promised myself I'd never go over. Over the weight I am comfortable with. Over a weight I can feel good about myself at.  Also, I am over talking about weight and worrying about weight and agonizing about my weight. I am over therapy appointments and doctor appointments and dietician appointments all focused on my weight. I am so over it all!   Medically I am what they call "weight restored". Medically speaking, I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am no longer an anorexic. The number on the scale confirms that, as does the fit of my way-too-tight "skinny clothes." The fat clothes fit well now. Much better, in fact, than the word "recovered" does. Because my weight is in a (medically) healthy place but my eating habits and attachment to exercise and fears of the scale and the mirror are lagging a bit behind. I still have a disordered relationship with food. And with working out. An...

I am so honored to have the opportunity to share a bit of my story with the community over at the  NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ANOREXIA NERVOSA AND ASSOCIATED  DISORDERS  ( AKA ANAD)     on their  website. To read my "MyJourney" post on their blog, check out this link:  https://anad.org/an-eating-disorder-in-my-40s/

When I was in residential treatment, I was expected to follow strict rules. Everyone was expected to follow them. Everyone’s recovery was supposed to move along pretty much the same path. Everyone was seen in view of their disorders, not as unique original people. In-patient treatment did save my life. I will not go into details, but it did curtail my most dangerous behaviors. And for that I am grateful but I do not look back on it as a positive time in my life. I have not made a secret of my current summer struggles. The last month hasn’t been easy. The subject of residential treatment has been brought up again. But, instead of focusing on the negatives today, I am going to try to count my blessings! I am THANKFUL to be home and recovering amongst the people I love most and who love me for me. I am especially THANKFUL for my “treatment-without-walls” team. I am still in intense treatment, but now I meet with professionals that I have chosen. People who “get” me and my needs. E...

  There are a million, billion conflicting thoughts swirling around in my brain….maybe even more than usual. I am constantly at war with my eating disorder and with rationality. I am allowing myself to “play with fire”. And I know it. I am inviting that slippery slide of too much exercise back into my life and I know where it can lead. And yet—I don’t really want to fight it or stop it. At the same time, that I do. This is what crazy is! This is what mental illness has done to me. I can want what is right and best. I can undoubtedly know what is right and best. And I can feel better about not choosing the right path. All at once. In the moment, exercise seems like a good choice. Though I know it is a dangerous, stupid choice. As I face food, restriction is safest and most comfortable. Even while I am fully aware that starving myself is neither safe nor comfortable in the long run.   I can hear God’s call. I can assuredly know His will for me. I can desperately want to ...

 

  March 24, 2024 I am struggling more than ever these days…work is uncertain, my little guy is struggling too and is easily triggered and ALWAYS on the verge of anger (or already solidly there). I have slipped so completely back into major restriction and starvation. I exercise about 90 minutes a day and make sure I burn at least 400 calories. Every Day. Every Single Day. I eat as little as possible and drink entirely too much coffee- never consuming any other beverages at all.   I am not nourished, not hydrated, not well rested. I have no healthy coping techniques and things are going from bad to worse by the minute… I was thinking as I struggled this afternoon- "I wish I could starve myself enough to feel good." I wanted that fleeting moment of success and accomplishment that skipping a meal gives me…or skipping a whole day of meals…..then I realized, "starving myself DOESN’T make me feel good."  I clearly had that thought. And yet, I can’t stop. I do not ...

  Mental illness is so much more understood these days—and yet unless you experience it personally, you really can’t understand it entirely. And the world?!?!?!?   There are still a lot of clueless people out there in the big wide world. Anorexics often have what they feel are “safe” foods. And what they consider “fear” foods. Tackling the "fear" and going outside the comfort zone of "safe" foods is a huge part of recovery and a huge part of the struggle. My safe foods are shredded lettuce and canned whipped cream. I know that sounds strange and silly but those two things pretty much sustain me on the hardest days. They are my go to on those days when the stress and anxiety are debilitating and the eating disorder voice just screams and screams at me. They comfort me on the days I feel I have no effective coping technique other than starvation and extreme exercise. They are a life-preserver (literally) on those days when I just cannot put anything else in my mo...

I used to love this song:   I heard it yesterday and realized my perspective had changed....   In treatment, they called eating disorders "ED." They talk about the disorder as though it is a separate person living in the brain of those afflicted. That is an incredibly accurate description.  So...when I listened to this song I recognized ED's voice loudly and clearly. Imagine this song playing in a loop in your head all day long...but usually with a role reversal (though it DOES work both ways)... How do [you] get through one night without [me] If [you] had to live without [me] What kinda life would that be Oh you, you need [me] in [your life], need [me] to hold [I'm your] world, [your] heart, [your] soul If [I] ever leave Well, baby [I] would take away everything Good in [your] life And tell me now How do [you] live without [me]? I want to know How do [you] breathe without [me]? If [I] ever go How do [you] ever, ever survive How do [you], how do [you...

So...at its heart an eating disorder is a coping technique. It starts out as something that helps...something that gives, at least, an illusion of control.  Control is something I crave. That "illusion" makes me feel safe. It makes me feel "protected."  My journal from today...chaos even here! I thrive on a sense of control...no matter how illusive actual control may be, no matter how many lies that illusion is based on, no matter the reality that, at this point in my life, the eating disorder controls me.  I continue to feel a strong need and I continue to cling to...my familiar coping technique of controlling my weight, my food intake, my body size, my exercise. I continue to try to control what I can in this world...even though my rational mind knows I can control NOTHING! Today was an insane, out-of-control day. I was, as my dietician says, "outside my window of tolerance" from the moment I opened my eyes. I was running from one thing to another with ...

I'm not much of an artist but I do love doodling and drawing- just for fun. I also enjoy journaling and have found it helps me process SO many things.  Having a creative outlet helps me to be happier and mentally healthier too.   So sometimes I combine the two- drawing and journaling. Here are a few of the doodles/drawings from my eating disorder journals:

 Whoa! Be careful what you ask for!  I asked God to speak His Word into my heart today.....This is what He said to me:  Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 27:1, 2, 3, 13-14 R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. The Lord is my light and my salvation;           whom should I fear? The Lord is my life’s refuge;           of whom should I be afraid? R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. When evildoers come at me           to devour my flesh, My foes and my enemies           themselves stumble and fall. R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. Though an army encamp against me,           my heart will not fear; Though war be waged upon me,           even then will I trust.  R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation.  I believe that I shall see the bounty of the Lord        ...

I had a rough night last night. Right before bed, I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw- my stomach looked round, my thighs looked big. I freaked out a little (maybe a lot).  Then I had a bad dream. In my dream, I was about to eat a cranberry muffin. It looked good. I wanted it. I was happy to be able to eat it. Then, my mother and my brother (my brother, whom I have not seen in years) told me it wasn't good. They said the muffin was disappointing and not worth eating.  They told me I should have chocolate ganache instead (strangely in the shape of a Santa Claus-- dreams are so weird sometimes). I agreed to eat the chocolate but then my well meaning family members kept trying to influence what flavor (and Santa shape) I ate. They argued over which was best. I got overwhelmed in my dream and decided I would not eat anything. I just wanted coffee. Now- in real life coffee i s my comfort and my "safety net" so that was not unusual. But back in the dream, they did not ...

My son on his bike I saw a young man driving down the super busy 6 lane divided highway "popping a wheelie" on his speeding sport motorcycle this afternoon. My heart dropped and I immediately said aloud (though I was alone in the car), "Oh don't drive like that. Your life has so much value!"  I know I am SUCH a mom! But you see...even though I did not know that young man, it was personal for me as a mom. Because my own beloved, precious, amazing 21 year old son rides a sport bike just like that. He's crazy, fast, dangerous and stupid on his bike. I know. He knows. He tells me all about his insane, dangerous escapades on the bike.  So when I witnessed, for myself, the life-threatening, haphazard riding of that motorcyclist this afternoon, it scared and upset me. I hate that anyone's son would be so careless and reckless with his life.  His infinitely valuable, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable soul was put at risk for a few exhilarating moments of cheap thril...

Much of eating disorder treatment (or mine at least) is about education- and scare tactics. Part of this is due to the nature of eating disorders. They are a mental illness and one of the characteristics of eating disorders is something called  anosognosia . It is defined as:  a lack of insight resulting from physiological damage to the brain.  There was a famous study on starvation back in the 1940's that has since formed a sort of basic foundation for understanding some the effects and symptoms of eating disorders. The study was conducted by Ancel Keys and he found (among other things) that:   "The life of the organism is prolonged or maintained closer to normal than would otherwise be the case by the rather desperate expedient of reducing the mass activity of the organism." So your heart shrinks and can experience arrhythmia. Your digestive and reproductive systems slack off or stop. Your brain functions at its most basic level.  I read a book entitled "...

The following are excerpts from my journal that were written at my lowest points...I promise, after this, I will try to share some more positive posts that point towards progress and recovery and healing. But it IS a journey and to truly appreciate it, I think it is important to share where I've been... 12-5-22 "I thought if there was less of me people might see me better- see that I am struggling, miserable, tired, needy, lonely, depressed, despairing...maybe someone would help? Or care?  No one sees." 12-11-22 "Very, very rough day. My weight scared me. My recent weakness scared me. I decided I really, really did need to allow myself to eat more...I felt ok [about the amount of food]. Then, I shared with my husband some of my thoughts and he made me feel like I'd eaten plenty, maybe too much. We both lost it with fighting for the next hour. I exercised 4 hours and 40 minutes today...only slept 5 hours last night." 12-15-22 "I dropped a 5 lb weight on ...

If you are new start here . I have always found comfort and pleasure in food...and then food became my enemy. I did not originally enjoy exercise but simply endure it...and then exercise became my sole focus and my #1 priority. I love and adore and value my family above all else...and then they became an interruption and an obstacle to my workouts. I have never had stronger, firmer muscles, better endurance or more discipline in my life for anything like I have for working out for the last couple of years...and I have never been weaker in my ability to fight and overcome something like this that has such a strong hold on me. I have always had control issues and a desire to control everything and the ED definitely stems from that sense of control- over my body, my weight, the scale, etc...and yet it has completely taken control of me and left me powerless to control my exercise compulsion. About a week before I went into an in patient residential treatment center for my eating disorder,...

I was always a fat baby- chubby and round and roll-y. My dad called me "slim" because I was anything but.... There are only a handful of pictures of me as a baby but in more than half of them, I am eating. I have always loved food and found great, great comfort in it. I needed the comfort because I never felt like I fit in or was good enough- not at home, not at school, not at all. I was awkward, painfully shy, introverted, insecure, and overly sensitive.  I have a sister who is 18 months older than I am. She is (and always has been) popular, fun, easy to get along with, friendly, and a perfect people pleaser. Everyone likes her- you can't help it. She's wonderful. When people compared us (which in my mind was often) she always came out on top....except that as we grew up, I outgrew my fat baby rolls and was always naturally thin and tall. She was shorter and rounder and very conscious of her weight. When we would fight or tease each other, as siblings do, she would p...