Twisted and turned upside down

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I have always found comfort and pleasure in food...and then food became my enemy.

I did not originally enjoy exercise but simply endure it...and then exercise became my sole focus and my #1 priority.

I love and adore and value my family above all else...and then they became an interruption and an obstacle to my workouts.

I have never had stronger, firmer muscles, better endurance or more discipline in my life for anything like I have for working out for the last couple of years...and I have never been weaker in my ability to fight and overcome something like this that has such a strong hold on me.

I have always had control issues and a desire to control everything and the ED definitely stems from that sense of control- over my body, my weight, the scale, etc...and yet it has completely taken control of me and left me powerless to control my exercise compulsion.

About a week before I went into an in patient residential treatment center for my eating disorder, I texted my sister who has struggled with her own eating disorder for 30+ years. I had eaten 8 raspberries and a few pretzels and was freaking out over my "big" meal, overcome with guilt and shame because of the calories I had allowed myself to consume...her answer was:

"This is a sick, twisted disease."

Looking at how my life has been turned upside down over all this I don't think there are better words to describe it.