Careening Down

National Foster Care Awareness Month just ended. So did National Mental Health Awareness Month. And yesterday was National Eating Disorder Action Day.  Honestly, I have no idea what any of those things are really about.... I mean, how does it help anyone for the nation to acknowledge that foster care exists? Was anyone's mental health improved in May because the month was set aside to focus on it? What exactly is the "action" we're hoping for in response to eating disorders? It all seems a little silly and meaningless to me... except that those three things ARE what sort of define my existence and make me question my life's meaning.   I wrestle with the effects of fostering, mental health struggles and the reality of my eating disorder every day of every month. In fact, those three (somewhat unrelated) issues are the three things that, braided together, create my experience of life.  Though it has been nearly 5 years since we closed our home to new foster placemen...

  I found this in my kitchen drawer this morning. It’s a lemon zester. I don’t think I have ever zested a lemon. I’m not sure what possessed me to purchase a lemon zester…I’ve never been into cooking. I am so glad I bought it though.    Because, about 22 years ago, this lemon zester went everywhere with us. When my oldest son was two years old, he was very imaginative, very spirited, and very much wanting to be like a grown-up. He wanted to use tools and fix things. This kid was always a little too smart for my own good though and he recognized the difference between a real tool and a toy. Little, brightly colored, hollow plastic hammers and screwdrivers were not cutting it for him. We tried some that looked real- they had plastic wood grain handles, and gray metallic looking blades and heads. Even those weren’t convincing him. He wanted a real tool to use. So I found the lemon zester, still shiny new (maybe even in the package?!) and I gave it to him. There w...

  I am 50 years old. I’ve had half a century of life experience. What do I have to show for this significant amount of living? 20 years of growing up (challenging years that I survived) 28+ years of marriage 26+ years of parenting 5 pregnancies 1 adoption journey (that took 3 years) 6 children 30 foster children 15 students I have taught in school 20+ years of formal teaching (homeschooling + classroom) A handful of treasured friends 18+ years of formal schooling as a student 1 completed novel (which sold dozens of copies) 1 CDA credential 1 house I have made into a home (+ 1 townhouse & 2 apartments) 4 states I have lived in (PA, OH, MO, FL) 40 years of struggling with exercise and weight obsession Zillions of mood swings and big emotions 1, 2, 3 mental illness diagnoses (depression, anxiety, anorexia) A lifetime of Catholicism 6 sacraments received (baptism, communion, reconciliation, confirmation, marriage, anointing of the sick) A few...

We went to a funeral last weekend. It was for a nearly 80-year-old man, the father of a close family friend. We mourned the loss and were saddened to say good bye but we also were able to celebrate his life.   He achieved his life’s goals and led a full life with a successful career, a loving wife, a devoted son & 2 precious, adorable grandchildren. At the end of the Mass, I witnessed a beautiful exchange between the man’s wife and a young mother who approached to pay her respects with her infant son in her arms. The baby had been a bit fidgety and antsy during the ceremony…but he burst into a huge grin when facing the grief-stricken widow. She too smiled in spite of her tears. She couldn’t help it- the baby’s joy was infectious. It was beautiful to see life intersect with death and realize this is God’ s plan. It is truly “The circle of life” as the Lion King movie calls it. Last night, my husband and his siblings met over zoom from various corners of the country to discuss ...

It's summer time!  An easy time to be thankful! Also a crazy time with no real routine and lots of excitement going on and a few meltdowns here and there. And life, life, life humming along with its ups and downs and gifts and blessings and challenges and struggles....  Here are my mid-June tomorrow is the official start of summer thankfuls.... Thankful for our beautiful trip to St. Louis to visit family and friends there- Beauty in Art- the Chihuly Exhibit at the Botanical Gardens We saw so many new animals there! An axolotl. Beauty in God's amazing creatures.   Beauty in the simple things- my kids catching lightning bugs for the 1st time ever. We don't get them where we live. Beauty in nature    Beauty in family time! Thankful for childhood summer joys-- Thankful for the amazing fun of church camps- for little ones and not quite so little ones-- Thankful for sports my kids enjoy-- So much more to appreciate in this world and in my life...but time is short and ...

It is May!  So "May" at our house- so much going on in life right now.... but that means so much to be thankful for too: Thankful for May: May is Foster Care Awareness Month- an issue near and dear to me  because I fostered 30 children, adopting my youngest son from the foster care syste m May is Mental Health Awareness Month- a cause I am very personally affected by :( May is the month dedicated to Our Blessed Mother in the Catholic Church- I have a strong devotion and connection to the Blessed Virgin Mary- for a million reasons and they all come to one- she leads us closer to her son, our Savior. Thankful for: my home We have lived in the same modest, little house for 22 years. Lately, I've been buying some new old things-- antique and vintage furniture--I've been making some small updates around the house too, to make it more functional, more fun, more "me".... My daughter bought this antique student desk for me...I don't even have it yet but I know i...

I MEANT for this blog to be a place where I shared my recovery story. Recovery continues to be elusive.  I AM making progress in some respects, but it is very slow going and, much of what I share here, ends up being my own processing and an attempt to increase understanding of mental health issues and, specifically anorexia (which IS fitting this month, as it is Mental Health Awareness Month in May). Sometimes it is both at once - my own processing in an attempt to help ME understand my own mental health issues and my own mindset concerning my eating disorder.  Anyway--- Years ago I used to follow a blog that has since ceased being updated. 😢  I hate it when that happens...but life...it DOES have a way of moving forward and sometimes blogging is just for a season.  Nevertheless, I loved this blog and was often inspired by it.  Since, I originally hoped my little space in the blog-o-sphere here would also be a place of inspiration....and since I know it is most...