Careening Down

I am so honored to have the opportunity to share a bit of my story with the community over at the  NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ANOREXIA NERVOSA AND ASSOCIATED  DISORDERS  ( AKA ANAD)     on their  website. To read my "MyJourney" post on their blog, check out this link:  https://anad.org/an-eating-disorder-in-my-40s/

  Time is against me. As in, too much time on my hands works against my recovery, maybe more than anything else in the world. Too much time means lots of opportunities to exercise. Too much time means time to think and to agonize, overanalyze, worry. It’s not good. What keeps me on track with my healing and stability is keeping busy. I make sure there is little to no idle time in my day-to-day life. And I make sure the things I do are productive, or at least, feel productive. When I was in residential treatment, they purposely gave us lots of down time. It drove me crazy (I mean, yes, I was there because I was “crazy” already, but doing nothing made me crazier!!!!). They said we needed to learn to just “be.” I, especially, needed to re-learn how to rest, sit, relax. I guess, I did not stay in the treatment center long enough to benefit from all that downtime. I came home and totally resumed my former pace. Busy, busy, busy all the time! Moving every minute of the day! Dur...

I'm not much of an artist but I do love doodling and drawing- just for fun. I also enjoy journaling and have found it helps me process SO many things.  Having a creative outlet helps me to be happier and mentally healthier too.   So sometimes I combine the two- drawing and journaling. Here are a few of the doodles/drawings from my eating disorder journals:

The following are excerpts from my journal that were written at my lowest points...I promise, after this, I will try to share some more positive posts that point towards progress and recovery and healing. But it IS a journey and to truly appreciate it, I think it is important to share where I've been... 12-5-22 "I thought if there was less of me people might see me better- see that I am struggling, miserable, tired, needy, lonely, depressed, despairing...maybe someone would help? Or care?  No one sees." 12-11-22 "Very, very rough day. My weight scared me. My recent weakness scared me. I decided I really, really did need to allow myself to eat more...I felt ok [about the amount of food]. Then, I shared with my husband some of my thoughts and he made me feel like I'd eaten plenty, maybe too much. We both lost it with fighting for the next hour. I exercised 4 hours and 40 minutes today...only slept 5 hours last night." 12-15-22 "I dropped a 5 lb weight on ...