Some of My Lowest Points

The following are excerpts from my journal that were written at my lowest points...I promise, after this, I will try to share some more positive posts that point towards progress and recovery and healing. But it IS a journey and to truly appreciate it, I think it is important to share where I've been...

12-5-22

"I thought if there was less of me people might see me better- see that I am struggling, miserable, tired, needy, lonely, depressed, despairing...maybe someone would help? Or care? 

No one sees."

12-11-22

"Very, very rough day. My weight scared me. My recent weakness scared me. I decided I really, really did need to allow myself to eat more...I felt ok [about the amount of food]. Then, I shared with my husband some of my thoughts and he made me feel like I'd eaten plenty, maybe too much. We both lost it with fighting for the next hour. I exercised 4 hours and 40 minutes today...only slept 5 hours last night."

12-15-22

"I dropped a 5 lb weight on my head. It landed just centimeters from my eye. I was so annoyed when I saw that I was bleeding. I had hoped it was just a bad bruise or "goose egg" that would not require me to stop exercising. I only had a little while before I had to get my son from school and didn't want to miss my window of opportunity to fit in the whole workout. I stopped my workout video just long enough to put a band aid on my head. Then, I worked out another hour afterwards while bleeding. I did not bother cleaning the blood off my exercise mat.

1-20-23

"The weakness/faintness scares the hell out me one minute...then I "miss" it and feel like it is a sign of my success if I eat and don't feel it for a while. Am I really this confused/held captive/screwed up?! I want to feel faint and weak so I know I am successfully starving myself?! Yes, I sort of do."

1-25-22

In inpatient/residential treatment--

"My heart rate is in the 40's- not sure if that scares me or feels like an accomplishment?!?! I am feeling weak and a bit dizzy, some chest discomfort...not telling anyone. I also did a bit of a mini-workout in the bathroom. Just a little. I felt desperate to do push ups & sit ups/crunches too. I just want to be sure I stay in good shape with strong muscles, I also just felt like I should exercise. I am still feeling faint and weak and very, very tired.

1-26-23

In inpatient residential treatment--

"Eating was easier today....which also makes it harder. I don't know that I want it to be easy. I don't know if I want to give this all up. I don't know if I'll ever beat this... and I don't know if that upsets me...though truly it might kill me. In the last week before treatment I felt at times, it was... and I had mixed emotions about that. It's all just a jumble of conflict and confusion. What is good? What is success? What is bad? What is failure? What do I want really? I don't know. Right now, I want to exercise, that I do know."

1-31-23

In inpatient residential treatment--

"I had a meeting with the dietician today. She said my heart is not healthy, not strong and that my lab work confirms near starvation. I feel like my heart is weak. I feel like it is wearing out in my chest. It does scare me and I haven't said anything to anyone. The dietician also said I've lost weight since coming here. It is funny, I think I look much less sunken in and emaciated. I do feel that soreness in my chest though....and when I do sneak in any exercise at all, my heart races almost immediately and sometimes continues to race through the day . 

I need to heal my body. 

My emotions are making it hard.

The ED voice is making it hard. 

The thought of getting fat is making it hard. 

The amount of food they are serving me is making it hard."