Careening Down

  There are a million, billion conflicting thoughts swirling around in my brain….maybe even more than usual. I am constantly at war with my eating disorder and with rationality. I am allowing myself to “play with fire”. And I know it. I am inviting that slippery slide of too much exercise back into my life and I know where it can lead. And yet—I don’t really want to fight it or stop it. At the same time, that I do. This is what crazy is! This is what mental illness has done to me. I can want what is right and best. I can undoubtedly know what is right and best. And I can feel better about not choosing the right path. All at once. In the moment, exercise seems like a good choice. Though I know it is a dangerous, stupid choice. As I face food, restriction is safest and most comfortable. Even while I am fully aware that starving myself is neither safe nor comfortable in the long run.   I can hear God’s call. I can assuredly know His will for me. I can desperately want to ...

 Whoa! Be careful what you ask for!  I asked God to speak His Word into my heart today.....This is what He said to me:  Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 27:1, 2, 3, 13-14 R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. The Lord is my light and my salvation;           whom should I fear? The Lord is my life’s refuge;           of whom should I be afraid? R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. When evildoers come at me           to devour my flesh, My foes and my enemies           themselves stumble and fall. R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. Though an army encamp against me,           my heart will not fear; Though war be waged upon me,           even then will I trust.  R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation.  I believe that I shall see the bounty of the Lord        ...

Exactly 6 years ago today we became a foster home. We found out we were licensed and ready via phone call at about 3 pm that day. We were approved and licensed to take in one child. At about 6 pm, we got a call for a sibling set of 2 childre n. By 9 pm, we had our first placements in our home- before we even had the paperwork in hand that said we were official. The children were a 2 year old little boy (the children had been removed from their home on his 2nd birthday) and his 11 month old baby sister. From that first moment in our arms, those 2 babies turned our lives upside down in the most chaotic, insane, tumultuous ways. We truly did not know before then that lives could be so traumatic. We did not know sin could run so deep in a family. We did not know babies could be so utterly and completely impacted and hurt and broken by the mistakes and shortcomings of their parents. We would learn- the hard way- the effects of early childhood trauma. Over the next 4 1/2 years (and longer)...

Much of eating disorder treatment (or mine at least) is about education- and scare tactics. Part of this is due to the nature of eating disorders. They are a mental illness and one of the characteristics of eating disorders is something called  anosognosia . It is defined as:  a lack of insight resulting from physiological damage to the brain.  There was a famous study on starvation back in the 1940's that has since formed a sort of basic foundation for understanding some the effects and symptoms of eating disorders. The study was conducted by Ancel Keys and he found (among other things) that:   "The life of the organism is prolonged or maintained closer to normal than would otherwise be the case by the rather desperate expedient of reducing the mass activity of the organism." So your heart shrinks and can experience arrhythmia. Your digestive and reproductive systems slack off or stop. Your brain functions at its most basic level.  I read a book entitled "...

The following are excerpts from my journal that were written at my lowest points...I promise, after this, I will try to share some more positive posts that point towards progress and recovery and healing. But it IS a journey and to truly appreciate it, I think it is important to share where I've been... 12-5-22 "I thought if there was less of me people might see me better- see that I am struggling, miserable, tired, needy, lonely, depressed, despairing...maybe someone would help? Or care?  No one sees." 12-11-22 "Very, very rough day. My weight scared me. My recent weakness scared me. I decided I really, really did need to allow myself to eat more...I felt ok [about the amount of food]. Then, I shared with my husband some of my thoughts and he made me feel like I'd eaten plenty, maybe too much. We both lost it with fighting for the next hour. I exercised 4 hours and 40 minutes today...only slept 5 hours last night." 12-15-22 "I dropped a 5 lb weight on ...

If you are new start here . I have always found comfort and pleasure in food...and then food became my enemy. I did not originally enjoy exercise but simply endure it...and then exercise became my sole focus and my #1 priority. I love and adore and value my family above all else...and then they became an interruption and an obstacle to my workouts. I have never had stronger, firmer muscles, better endurance or more discipline in my life for anything like I have for working out for the last couple of years...and I have never been weaker in my ability to fight and overcome something like this that has such a strong hold on me. I have always had control issues and a desire to control everything and the ED definitely stems from that sense of control- over my body, my weight, the scale, etc...and yet it has completely taken control of me and left me powerless to control my exercise compulsion. About a week before I went into an in patient residential treatment center for my eating disorder,...