Denial... or something else altogether?!?!?


Much of eating disorder treatment (or mine at least) is about education- and scare tactics. Part of this is due to the nature of eating disorders. They are a mental illness and one of the characteristics of eating disorders is something called anosognosia. It is defined as: a lack of insight resulting from physiological damage to the brain. 

There was a famous study on starvation back in the 1940's that has since formed a sort of basic foundation for understanding some the effects and symptoms of eating disorders. The study was conducted by Ancel Keys and he found (among other things) that:  

"The life of the organism is prolonged or maintained closer to normal than would otherwise be the case by the rather desperate expedient of reducing the mass activity of the organism."

So your heart shrinks and can experience arrhythmia. Your digestive and reproductive systems slack off or stop. Your brain functions at its most basic level.  I read a book entitled "Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover," by Tabitha Farrar and in it she put it this way:

"Most of the time you have no idea how much distress your body is actually in. I was simultaneously self-absorbed and alarmingly unaware of myself. We kid ourselves that it is okay because we feel okay. It isn't."

 Another fascinating quote I found, from this internet sourcesays:

 "The dramatic alteration of personality and human mentality are experimentally confirmed effects of the hunger that precede the biological exhaustion at the early stages..." 

The reality of anorexia is that one can feel fine- good even- and be truly starving to death. Even when those with anorexia don't feel so fine or good they can convince themselves that they are okay, that things aren't so bad or so critical. 

I know. I am living it. I can, in one moment, feel my heart hurt or race uncontrollably and know that I am weak and sick and starving. And, in the next moment, I find myself restricting more calories or starting another workout or simply justifying it all very convincingly.

I can write these words here today and also not allow myself more than 1200 calories in a day AND exercise 2 hours. I can weigh 95 pounds and have all my clothes hang on me and see my tummy as round and pouch-y and feel fat and piggish. 

It is a sick twisted disorder and you can know that and still want to hold onto it. I know we should never label anyone with mental illness as "crazy"...but I also know- speaking just for myself- my thoughts and actions are crazy and unhealthy and dangerous...and yet I keep clutching tight to them. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

50 years