Careening Down

Life is always unpredictable.  I found out recently, so is death. My father-in-law passed away and though it was not unexpected , it was also not at all what we expected. His health had been frail for years but it was not his cancerous lungs or his ineffective kidneys that took him down. It was a dislocated hip. 😢 Thankfully, we had enough notice for my husband to go and be with his father, who lived about 1000 miles from us. Still, it has been a whirlwind.  Work has been unpredictable- as one would expect considering I teach pre-school for a living. Unpredictable is unavoidable in a classroom of 9 two years olds! I love the chaos and craziness of my little class though.  My students keep me on my toes but I revel in the joy of toddlers.   I do not welcome the chaos and unpredictability of all the administrative stuff. Staff changes, schedule changes, never knowing what to expect (or what is expected of me!).... professional craziness is not my thing.... Home ...

 I am over weight. Over the weight I want to be. Over the weight I promised myself I'd never go over. Over the weight I am comfortable with. Over a weight I can feel good about myself at.  Also, I am over talking about weight and worrying about weight and agonizing about my weight. I am over therapy appointments and doctor appointments and dietician appointments all focused on my weight. I am so over it all!   Medically I am what they call "weight restored". Medically speaking, I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am no longer an anorexic. The number on the scale confirms that, as does the fit of my way-too-tight "skinny clothes." The fat clothes fit well now. Much better, in fact, than the word "recovered" does. Because my weight is in a (medically) healthy place but my eating habits and attachment to exercise and fears of the scale and the mirror are lagging a bit behind. I still have a disordered relationship with food. And with working out. An...

  Mental illness is so much more understood these days—and yet unless you experience it personally, you really can’t understand it entirely. And the world?!?!?!?   There are still a lot of clueless people out there in the big wide world. Anorexics often have what they feel are “safe” foods. And what they consider “fear” foods. Tackling the "fear" and going outside the comfort zone of "safe" foods is a huge part of recovery and a huge part of the struggle. My safe foods are shredded lettuce and canned whipped cream. I know that sounds strange and silly but those two things pretty much sustain me on the hardest days. They are my go to on those days when the stress and anxiety are debilitating and the eating disorder voice just screams and screams at me. They comfort me on the days I feel I have no effective coping technique other than starvation and extreme exercise. They are a life-preserver (literally) on those days when I just cannot put anything else in my mo...

Expectations in life seem to always lead me to disappointment...sometimes even despair and depression. I wish God had made me more "go with the flow". There is literally no "flow" in me though. None. I do not flow. I am rigid. I am strong-willed. I am easily stressed and easily ruffled.  Life really COULD be relaxing- if I wasn't me. 😉 For some reason, I was thinking of the old home videos my parents had from the 1970's. It was not like today, with cell phone cameras and Tik Tok videos and our whole lives being filmed and recorded and blasted all over social media. My parents only pulled out the video camera a few times for special events.  They recorded my newborn homecoming. The video starts in the hospital with my very young mom getting me dressed and ready to go home and meet my 2 big sisters. There is no sound- my parents were poor and could not afford fancy video equipment. But even without an audio track, you can tell I was not happy. I am screaming ...

  March 17 is, of course, St. Patrick’s Day! The day we celebrate St. Patrick and Ireland and all things green. We decorate with shamrocks and (hopefully) remember the Trinity… And in my family….we rejoice in the gift of my Grandmother. She was born on St. Patrick’s Day 101 years ago. She died 5 years ago, just shy of her 96 th birthday.   But that only makes her birthday that much more of a memorial for me. I was born into a family of 4 children, all of us within 5 years of each other in age. My parents were super young and super poor when they welcomed us into their lives. My mom was busy, busy, busy keeping up with 4 young children and caring for our home. My dad was building his career. No one had a lot of time or energy to pour into one overly sensitive, very emotional, insecure little girl who was plagued with anxiety and insomnia, even as a small child. No one….except my Grandma. My Grandma was the one person who truly accepted me for who I was. And, she not only...