Always ruffled...easily stressed...me in a nut shell!

Expectations in life seem to always lead me to disappointment...sometimes even despair and depression. I wish God had made me more "go with the flow". There is literally no "flow" in me though. None. I do not flow.

I am rigid. I am strong-willed. I am easily stressed and easily ruffled. 

Life really COULD
be relaxing- if I
wasn't me. 😉

For some reason, I was thinking of the old home videos my parents had from the 1970's. It was not like today, with cell phone cameras and Tik Tok videos and our whole lives being filmed and recorded and blasted all over social media. My parents only pulled out the video camera a few times for special events. 

They recorded my newborn homecoming. The video starts in the hospital with my very young mom getting me dressed and ready to go home and meet my 2 big sisters. There is no sound- my parents were poor and could not afford fancy video equipment. But even without an audio track, you can tell I was not happy. I am screaming hysterically- red-faced and upset throughout the entire process of getting dressed, swaddled, and, securely snuggled in my mother's arms, taken out to "Old Betsy", our much beloved but very sad looking brown Chrysler, 

I don't imagine I could have had any real expectations in life yet...but I was obviously already unsettled by change (is there a bigger change in life than birth?!?!!?). I was anxious and flustered and already not "flowing" with life very easily. I WAS a highly sensitive baby. I am still a highly sensitive person....

Clearly, God made me this way. Is my disappointment and anxiety a sign of my rigidity and my mental illnees ? Or is my mental illness the cause of my being easily disappointed and rigid? I'll maybe never know...but this is a part of myself I must come to peace with...if ever I will know the feel of peace in life.