At war--always!
This is what crazy is! This is what mental illness has done to
me. I can want what is right and best. I can undoubtedly know what is right and
best. And I can feel better about not choosing the right path. All at
once.
In the moment, exercise seems like a good choice. Though I
know it is a dangerous, stupid choice.
As I face food, restriction is safest and most comfortable. Even
while I am fully aware that starving myself is neither safe nor comfortable in
the long run.
I can hear God’s call. I can assuredly know His will for me. I
can desperately want to follow Him. And I can hold fast to my disordered eating,
screwed up body image(?), and view of my own self-worth.
I can “straddle the issue” SO well.
What I cannot do is- solidly commit to either side.
I am not 100% full-on ready or wanting recovery. I am scared
of it. I want to lose weight, not gain it. I like the accomplishment of
skipping a meal.
I am also sure I cannot (& will not) face inpatient residential
treatment again. I cannot take my family back down that road of my near-death,
barely surviving existence. I do not want to jeopardize my job or the safety of
the kiddos in my class (or my home).
So I am back to that “stuck” place. I am back to holding on instead
of letting go. I am back to living a life ruled by whichever fear is greater. I
am back to day-to-day struggling against the 2 voices.
ED vs. Agency…..who will win?
Hello. I am sorry you are struggling with the voices. Although different ones, I struggle with them too. I have found relief and strength, though! And I pray for the same for you. I know you get tons of advice and recommendations, but allow me to offer one more. Have you heard of the Dare for Anxiety app? It basically changed my life! There is a free trial period if you choose to give it a listen. It has helped me so! Hugs! And remember, you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for always being so supportive. I will check out that app, for me and my son who also struggles with anxiety, at times. We're always looking for healthier ways to cope! Hope you are having a happy summer with your famly
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