Controlling the uncontrollable!

So...at its heart an eating disorder is a coping technique. It starts out as something that helps...something that gives, at least, an illusion of control. 

Control is something I crave. That "illusion" makes me feel safe. It makes me feel "protected." 

My journal from today...chaos even here!

I thrive on a sense of control...no matter how illusive actual control may be, no matter how many lies that illusion is based on, no matter the reality that, at this point in my life, the eating disorder controls me. 

I continue to feel a strong need and I continue to cling to...my familiar coping technique of controlling my weight, my food intake, my body size, my exercise. I continue to try to control what I can in this world...even though my rational mind knows I can control NOTHING!

Today was an insane, out-of-control day. I was, as my dietician says, "outside my window of tolerance" from the moment I opened my eyes. I was running from one thing to another with no time to catch my breath or see straight. 

On days like today, the craziness of my life makes the eating disorder worse because I cannot even find time to eat healthy if I want to. And because it is all so overwhelming it feels impossible to stay on top of and "control" it all.  The less in control I feel, the more I try to control what I can and the more I fall back on my maladaptive coping techniques.

Also, the eating disorder makes days like today worse because I am stressed and stop eating. "Hangry" (though I hate that ridiculous made up word) IS a real thing. So when I push my body even farther into starvation mode- every feeling is heightened, every stress is magnified, every noise is louder, and every responsibility I have is more overwhelming and strangling. I get irritable, frustrated, fatigued, and irrational. Sometimes, I feel physically weak, dizzy and light-headed... but cannot put sustenance into my body to help me tackle the challenges. And so the challenges keep mounting up as the kids get more stressed and difficult, my husband gets more upset and short tempered, I feel ashamed of my impatience and irritability but can't rise above it all.

It is a vicious cycle.  But, as my treatment team reminds me- one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Tomorrow looks better. Tomorrow looks quieter. And the worst of today is behind me now.... I HOPE!!!!!!!!