Still here. Still struggling....still trying to recover- sort of....

 

March 24, 2024

I am struggling more than ever these days…work is uncertain, my little guy is struggling too and is easily triggered and ALWAYS on the verge of anger (or already solidly there). I have slipped so completely back into major restriction and starvation. I exercise about 90 minutes a day and make sure I burn at least 400 calories. Every Day. Every Single Day.

I eat as little as possible and drink entirely too much coffee- never consuming any other beverages at all.  I am not nourished, not hydrated, not well rested. I have no healthy coping techniques and things are going from bad to worse by the minute…

I was thinking as I struggled this afternoon- "I wish I could starve myself enough to feel good." I wanted that fleeting moment of success and accomplishment that skipping a meal gives me…or skipping a whole day of meals…..then I realized, "starving myself DOESN’T make me feel good." 

I clearly had that thought.

And yet, I can’t stop. I do not want to stop. I want to be better at controlling my food, my hunger, my diet.

Since that moment of "clarity,"  I have not gotten any real food…. Just more coffee.

I firmly intend to keep restrict my eating this evening.

I have every intention to starve myself better- not less. 

I’m desperately just hoping that I can just get to tomorrow when I will be too busy to notice hunger. And distracted enough to stop eating after three bites or so…

I can’t get “better” because life is not getting better. I can’t handle all that is being asked of me and all that is constantly heaped upon me if I don’t have SOMETHING to control. SOMETHING for me. 

I know it is stupid and makes no sense at all….but the eating disorder (ED) is all I have to get me though my struggles. ED is all I have to give me self-worth and any sense of peace. ED is the only thing that I can count on to make me feel ok- sometimes. Maybe not all the time- but
sometimes at least. Sometimes I DO get a fleeting moment of success and accomplishment from the starvation, the exercise, the weight dropping.