The Nightmare of Chocolate Santas

I had a rough night last night. Right before bed, I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw- my stomach looked round, my thighs looked big. I freaked out a little (maybe a lot). 

Then I had a bad dream.

In my dream, I was about to eat a cranberry muffin. It looked good. I wanted it. I was happy to be able to eat it. Then, my mother and my brother (my brother, whom I have not seen in years) told me it wasn't good. They said the muffin was disappointing and not worth eating. 

They told me I should have chocolate ganache instead (strangely in the shape of a Santa Claus-- dreams are so weird sometimes). I agreed to eat the chocolate but then my well meaning family members kept trying to influence what flavor (and Santa shape) I ate. They argued over which was best.

I got overwhelmed in my dream and decided I would not eat anything. I just wanted coffee. Now- in real life coffee is my comfort and my "safety net" so that was not unusual. But back in the dream, they did not have any decaf. That was too much for me and I looked frantically around everywhere for decaf but didn't find any and was crying. Then I woke up...

This dream is so much like what happens in my mind in the face of food- the debate, the conflict, the stress, the overwhelm, the decision that sometimes it is easier just not to eat anything....This is what my life is...

I am working with a treatment team- a dietician who I love, a therapist and psychiatrist I contacted, my medical doctor and a spiritual director... not to mention my family, who in real life is very supportive. 

I am SUPPOSED to be increasing my calories. In reality- I am not able to follow through and do that. I am supposed to eat everything on my meal plan- when it comes time to face that food though....I can't always make myself (let myself) actually do it... My dream from last night illustrates exactly why....