Careening Down

National Foster Care Awareness Month just ended. So did National Mental Health Awareness Month. And yesterday was National Eating Disorder Action Day.  Honestly, I have no idea what any of those things are really about.... I mean, how does it help anyone for the nation to acknowledge that foster care exists? Was anyone's mental health improved in May because the month was set aside to focus on it? What exactly is the "action" we're hoping for in response to eating disorders? It all seems a little silly and meaningless to me... except that those three things ARE what sort of define my existence and make me question my life's meaning.   I wrestle with the effects of fostering, mental health struggles and the reality of my eating disorder every day of every month. In fact, those three (somewhat unrelated) issues are the three things that, braided together, create my experience of life.  Though it has been nearly 5 years since we closed our home to new foster placemen...

Life is always unpredictable.  I found out recently, so is death. My father-in-law passed away and though it was not unexpected , it was also not at all what we expected. His health had been frail for years but it was not his cancerous lungs or his ineffective kidneys that took him down. It was a dislocated hip. 😢 Thankfully, we had enough notice for my husband to go and be with his father, who lived about 1000 miles from us. Still, it has been a whirlwind.  Work has been unpredictable- as one would expect considering I teach pre-school for a living. Unpredictable is unavoidable in a classroom of 9 two years olds! I love the chaos and craziness of my little class though.  My students keep me on my toes but I revel in the joy of toddlers.   I do not welcome the chaos and unpredictability of all the administrative stuff. Staff changes, schedule changes, never knowing what to expect (or what is expected of me!).... professional craziness is not my thing.... Home ...

    Mental Illness My life is a puzzle. Like everyone else on the planet, I have thousands of pieces to put together. Sometimes puzzles are satisfying and enjoyable. Sometimes puzzles are frustrating and impossible. You can’t always tell how the pieces are going to go together from one day to the next. Will they snap into place and fit perfectly- or will you try and fail again and again to find the right fit? Mental illness makes it all much more complex and much more fragile.  Sometimes I feel like things are going well and everything is falling into place- and then one little bump knocks all the pieces akilter and it falls apart into shambles. Sometimes nothing seems to fit or come together at all and things are just a mess from the first minute. Sometimes the pieces do all form a beautiful picture and I can stand back a little and admire the gift of the masterpiece. As a wife and mother, it is imperative that I keep at this puzzle. I have to keep the pieces toget...

  I found this in my kitchen drawer this morning. It’s a lemon zester. I don’t think I have ever zested a lemon. I’m not sure what possessed me to purchase a lemon zester…I’ve never been into cooking. I am so glad I bought it though.    Because, about 22 years ago, this lemon zester went everywhere with us. When my oldest son was two years old, he was very imaginative, very spirited, and very much wanting to be like a grown-up. He wanted to use tools and fix things. This kid was always a little too smart for my own good though and he recognized the difference between a real tool and a toy. Little, brightly colored, hollow plastic hammers and screwdrivers were not cutting it for him. We tried some that looked real- they had plastic wood grain handles, and gray metallic looking blades and heads. Even those weren’t convincing him. He wanted a real tool to use. So I found the lemon zester, still shiny new (maybe even in the package?!) and I gave it to him. There w...

  I am 50 years old. I’ve had half a century of life experience. What do I have to show for this significant amount of living? 20 years of growing up (challenging years that I survived) 28+ years of marriage 26+ years of parenting 5 pregnancies 1 adoption journey (that took 3 years) 6 children 30 foster children 15 students I have taught in school 20+ years of formal teaching (homeschooling + classroom) A handful of treasured friends 18+ years of formal schooling as a student 1 completed novel (which sold dozens of copies) 1 CDA credential 1 house I have made into a home (+ 1 townhouse & 2 apartments) 4 states I have lived in (PA, OH, MO, FL) 40 years of struggling with exercise and weight obsession Zillions of mood swings and big emotions 1, 2, 3 mental illness diagnoses (depression, anxiety, anorexia) A lifetime of Catholicism 6 sacraments received (baptism, communion, reconciliation, confirmation, marriage, anointing of the sick) A few...

 I am over weight. Over the weight I want to be. Over the weight I promised myself I'd never go over. Over the weight I am comfortable with. Over a weight I can feel good about myself at.  Also, I am over talking about weight and worrying about weight and agonizing about my weight. I am over therapy appointments and doctor appointments and dietician appointments all focused on my weight. I am so over it all!   Medically I am what they call "weight restored". Medically speaking, I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am no longer an anorexic. The number on the scale confirms that, as does the fit of my way-too-tight "skinny clothes." The fat clothes fit well now. Much better, in fact, than the word "recovered" does. Because my weight is in a (medically) healthy place but my eating habits and attachment to exercise and fears of the scale and the mirror are lagging a bit behind. I still have a disordered relationship with food. And with working out. An...

I am so honored to have the opportunity to share a bit of my story with the community over at the  NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF ANOREXIA NERVOSA AND ASSOCIATED  DISORDERS  ( AKA ANAD)     on their  website. To read my "MyJourney" post on their blog, check out this link:  https://anad.org/an-eating-disorder-in-my-40s/

 

When I was in residential treatment, I was expected to follow strict rules. Everyone was expected to follow them. Everyone’s recovery was supposed to move along pretty much the same path. Everyone was seen in view of their disorders, not as unique original people. In-patient treatment did save my life. I will not go into details, but it did curtail my most dangerous behaviors. And for that I am grateful but I do not look back on it as a positive time in my life. I have not made a secret of my current summer struggles. The last month hasn’t been easy. The subject of residential treatment has been brought up again. But, instead of focusing on the negatives today, I am going to try to count my blessings! I am THANKFUL to be home and recovering amongst the people I love most and who love me for me. I am especially THANKFUL for my “treatment-without-walls” team. I am still in intense treatment, but now I meet with professionals that I have chosen. People who “get” me and my needs. E...

  There are a million, billion conflicting thoughts swirling around in my brain….maybe even more than usual. I am constantly at war with my eating disorder and with rationality. I am allowing myself to “play with fire”. And I know it. I am inviting that slippery slide of too much exercise back into my life and I know where it can lead. And yet—I don’t really want to fight it or stop it. At the same time, that I do. This is what crazy is! This is what mental illness has done to me. I can want what is right and best. I can undoubtedly know what is right and best. And I can feel better about not choosing the right path. All at once. In the moment, exercise seems like a good choice. Though I know it is a dangerous, stupid choice. As I face food, restriction is safest and most comfortable. Even while I am fully aware that starving myself is neither safe nor comfortable in the long run.   I can hear God’s call. I can assuredly know His will for me. I can desperately want to ...

  Time is against me. As in, too much time on my hands works against my recovery, maybe more than anything else in the world. Too much time means lots of opportunities to exercise. Too much time means time to think and to agonize, overanalyze, worry. It’s not good. What keeps me on track with my healing and stability is keeping busy. I make sure there is little to no idle time in my day-to-day life. And I make sure the things I do are productive, or at least, feel productive. When I was in residential treatment, they purposely gave us lots of down time. It drove me crazy (I mean, yes, I was there because I was “crazy” already, but doing nothing made me crazier!!!!). They said we needed to learn to just “be.” I, especially, needed to re-learn how to rest, sit, relax. I guess, I did not stay in the treatment center long enough to benefit from all that downtime. I came home and totally resumed my former pace. Busy, busy, busy all the time! Moving every minute of the day! Dur...

 

Sometimes you have to truly hit bottom before you are able to change momentum and move forward...... I think I finally hit bottom.... I think I finally realized I AM still " sick enough "... I once heard that food is the addiction of the responsible. Meaning, of course, that eating disorders are most prevalent in type A, perfectionist, overachieving go-getters.  I am a total perfectionist. I am responsible & reliable to a fault, at times. I am a poster child for eating disorders, I guess. I have also been teetering on the edge of starvation and extreme malnutrition from anorexia for the last few years. Prior to that, I exercised compulsively but in a somewhat balanced manner, if that makes sense. I have obsessed over my weight and attached it firmly to my self-worth my whole life. I have never had a healthy relationship or perspective on eating and food and exercise. But, I have always been functional. I have always been responsible. Eating disorder recovery is n...

  March 24, 2024 I am struggling more than ever these days…work is uncertain, my little guy is struggling too and is easily triggered and ALWAYS on the verge of anger (or already solidly there). I have slipped so completely back into major restriction and starvation. I exercise about 90 minutes a day and make sure I burn at least 400 calories. Every Day. Every Single Day. I eat as little as possible and drink entirely too much coffee- never consuming any other beverages at all.   I am not nourished, not hydrated, not well rested. I have no healthy coping techniques and things are going from bad to worse by the minute… I was thinking as I struggled this afternoon- "I wish I could starve myself enough to feel good." I wanted that fleeting moment of success and accomplishment that skipping a meal gives me…or skipping a whole day of meals…..then I realized, "starving myself DOESN’T make me feel good."  I clearly had that thought. And yet, I can’t stop. I do not ...

  Mental illness is so much more understood these days—and yet unless you experience it personally, you really can’t understand it entirely. And the world?!?!?!?   There are still a lot of clueless people out there in the big wide world. Anorexics often have what they feel are “safe” foods. And what they consider “fear” foods. Tackling the "fear" and going outside the comfort zone of "safe" foods is a huge part of recovery and a huge part of the struggle. My safe foods are shredded lettuce and canned whipped cream. I know that sounds strange and silly but those two things pretty much sustain me on the hardest days. They are my go to on those days when the stress and anxiety are debilitating and the eating disorder voice just screams and screams at me. They comfort me on the days I feel I have no effective coping technique other than starvation and extreme exercise. They are a life-preserver (literally) on those days when I just cannot put anything else in my mo...

We went to a funeral last weekend. It was for a nearly 80-year-old man, the father of a close family friend. We mourned the loss and were saddened to say good bye but we also were able to celebrate his life.   He achieved his life’s goals and led a full life with a successful career, a loving wife, a devoted son & 2 precious, adorable grandchildren. At the end of the Mass, I witnessed a beautiful exchange between the man’s wife and a young mother who approached to pay her respects with her infant son in her arms. The baby had been a bit fidgety and antsy during the ceremony…but he burst into a huge grin when facing the grief-stricken widow. She too smiled in spite of her tears. She couldn’t help it- the baby’s joy was infectious. It was beautiful to see life intersect with death and realize this is God’ s plan. It is truly “The circle of life” as the Lion King movie calls it. Last night, my husband and his siblings met over zoom from various corners of the country to discuss ...

It's summer time!  An easy time to be thankful! Also a crazy time with no real routine and lots of excitement going on and a few meltdowns here and there. And life, life, life humming along with its ups and downs and gifts and blessings and challenges and struggles....  Here are my mid-June tomorrow is the official start of summer thankfuls.... Thankful for our beautiful trip to St. Louis to visit family and friends there- Beauty in Art- the Chihuly Exhibit at the Botanical Gardens We saw so many new animals there! An axolotl. Beauty in God's amazing creatures.   Beauty in the simple things- my kids catching lightning bugs for the 1st time ever. We don't get them where we live. Beauty in nature    Beauty in family time! Thankful for childhood summer joys-- Thankful for the amazing fun of church camps- for little ones and not quite so little ones-- Thankful for sports my kids enjoy-- So much more to appreciate in this world and in my life...but time is short and ...

It is May!  So "May" at our house- so much going on in life right now.... but that means so much to be thankful for too: Thankful for May: May is Foster Care Awareness Month- an issue near and dear to me  because I fostered 30 children, adopting my youngest son from the foster care syste m May is Mental Health Awareness Month- a cause I am very personally affected by :( May is the month dedicated to Our Blessed Mother in the Catholic Church- I have a strong devotion and connection to the Blessed Virgin Mary- for a million reasons and they all come to one- she leads us closer to her son, our Savior. Thankful for: my home We have lived in the same modest, little house for 22 years. Lately, I've been buying some new old things-- antique and vintage furniture--I've been making some small updates around the house too, to make it more functional, more fun, more "me".... My daughter bought this antique student desk for me...I don't even have it yet but I know i...