hitting bottom/straining forward

Sometimes you have to truly hit bottom before you are able to change momentum and move forward...... I think I finally hit bottom.... I think I finally realized I AM still "sick enough"...

I once heard that food is the addiction of the responsible. Meaning, of course, that eating disorders are most prevalent in type A, perfectionist, overachieving go-getters. 

I am a total perfectionist. I am responsible & reliable to a fault, at times. I am a poster child for eating disorders, I guess.

I have also been teetering on the edge of starvation and extreme malnutrition from anorexia for the last few years. Prior to that, I exercised compulsively but in a somewhat balanced manner, if that makes sense. I have obsessed over my weight and attached it firmly to my self-worth my whole life. I have never had a healthy relationship or perspective on eating and food and exercise.

But, I have always been functional. I have always been responsible.

Eating disorder recovery is not actually clearly defined. Everyone has a different experience and different opinion on what recovery means. To many professionals, doctors, dieticians, psychologists, researchers, etc… it boils down to being functional. If I can manage my food issues and still care for my children, be there for my husband, and perform to expectations at work. then I am recovered and healed in many (most?) people’s eyes.

I successfully do all those things. Daily.

I meet my family’s needs and am doing well in my job. But, I live on whipped cream, coffee, and lettuce.  I am tired, weak, emotional, starving, moody, and ruled by fear. I put on a smile as I push through my undernourishment. And I stay up way too late every night exercising until I meet my “quota” of calorie burn. I am functioning…but miserable and not at all in control of my choices.

I think I might be ready to recover. I am so close to being really ready to finally move forward in my recovery…for me. In the past, I have attempted recovery so I can be strong enough to be my perfectionist responsible self. I have eaten juuuuust enough to be able to care for my children, to not stress out my husband too much, and so I can excel at my job. I have not committed to any kind of healing for me. I have, as expected, tried to be responsible and do what is right in the eyes of others- all while trying to control things and do them MY way.

But, I am hungry. I am tired. I want to have some peace. I think it is time to eat real food again and stop allowing myself to stay stuck and controlled by my ED. It is a hard and scary road and it feels like it demands irresponsible (out of control) eating. It feels like I will be judged. It feels like it requires so much letting go. So much facing fears. So much admission about my own imperfections, frailties, struggles. So much food. So much eating, So much weight gain.

Augh- I want this--- I think I do. But I am terrified. And in reality, I do not know what recovery even means to me. But, it has to include being allowed to eat when my body screams for it. It must allow me to sit and rest when my body is tired. I have to come to terms with consuming “unsafe” calories and at “unsafe” times. And I have to face feeling judged as I "binge" to replace my body’s caloric deficit. 

I truly don’t know if I am up to the challenge and the effort…..but I am ready to try….today anyway….