Careening Down

I used to love this song:   I heard it yesterday and realized my perspective had changed....   In treatment, they called eating disorders "ED." They talk about the disorder as though it is a separate person living in the brain of those afflicted. That is an incredibly accurate description.  So...when I listened to this song I recognized ED's voice loudly and clearly. Imagine this song playing in a loop in your head all day long...but usually with a role reversal (though it DOES work both ways)... How do [you] get through one night without [me] If [you] had to live without [me] What kinda life would that be Oh you, you need [me] in [your life], need [me] to hold [I'm your] world, [your] heart, [your] soul If [I] ever leave Well, baby [I] would take away everything Good in [your] life And tell me now How do [you] live without [me]? I want to know How do [you] breathe without [me]? If [I] ever go How do [you] ever, ever survive How do [you], how do [you...

Expectations in life seem to always lead me to disappointment...sometimes even despair and depression. I wish God had made me more "go with the flow". There is literally no "flow" in me though. None. I do not flow. I am rigid. I am strong-willed. I am easily stressed and easily ruffled.  Life really COULD be relaxing- if I wasn't me. 😉 For some reason, I was thinking of the old home videos my parents had from the 1970's. It was not like today, with cell phone cameras and Tik Tok videos and our whole lives being filmed and recorded and blasted all over social media. My parents only pulled out the video camera a few times for special events.  They recorded my newborn homecoming. The video starts in the hospital with my very young mom getting me dressed and ready to go home and meet my 2 big sisters. There is no sound- my parents were poor and could not afford fancy video equipment. But even without an audio track, you can tell I was not happy. I am screaming ...

So...at its heart an eating disorder is a coping technique. It starts out as something that helps...something that gives, at least, an illusion of control.  Control is something I crave. That "illusion" makes me feel safe. It makes me feel "protected."  My journal from today...chaos even here! I thrive on a sense of control...no matter how illusive actual control may be, no matter how many lies that illusion is based on, no matter the reality that, at this point in my life, the eating disorder controls me.  I continue to feel a strong need and I continue to cling to...my familiar coping technique of controlling my weight, my food intake, my body size, my exercise. I continue to try to control what I can in this world...even though my rational mind knows I can control NOTHING! Today was an insane, out-of-control day. I was, as my dietician says, "outside my window of tolerance" from the moment I opened my eyes. I was running from one thing to another with ...

I'm not much of an artist but I do love doodling and drawing- just for fun. I also enjoy journaling and have found it helps me process SO many things.  Having a creative outlet helps me to be happier and mentally healthier too.   So sometimes I combine the two- drawing and journaling. Here are a few of the doodles/drawings from my eating disorder journals:

Two of my all time favorite movie quotes come from the movie Princess Diaries (one of my all time favorite movies). Early in the movie as Mia is getting ready for school, she stands in front of her mirror- with her frizzy wild hair, her clunky glasses, her private school plaid skirt uniform on- all a perfect picture of teenage awkwardness and says,  "As always, THIS is as good as its gonna get."  I say that to myself nearly every morning as I look in my mirror with my middle aged awkwardness. Later, after finding out she is a real live princess, she looks at her perfectly-coiffed, elegant, confident Queen of a Grandmother and declares, "My expectation in life is to be invisible and I'm good at it!" That one applies to my daily life everyday too! I am not the type to draw attention to myself. I much prefer to fade into the background, especially in crowds or social situations. As a mother, I am pretty good at being invisible too (no one ever seems to notice all t...

 Whoa! Be careful what you ask for!  I asked God to speak His Word into my heart today.....This is what He said to me:  Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 27:1, 2, 3, 13-14 R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. The Lord is my light and my salvation;           whom should I fear? The Lord is my life’s refuge;           of whom should I be afraid? R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. When evildoers come at me           to devour my flesh, My foes and my enemies           themselves stumble and fall. R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation. Though an army encamp against me,           my heart will not fear; Though war be waged upon me,           even then will I trust.  R./  The Lord is my light and my salvation.  I believe that I shall see the bounty of the Lord        ...

I had a rough night last night. Right before bed, I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw- my stomach looked round, my thighs looked big. I freaked out a little (maybe a lot).  Then I had a bad dream. In my dream, I was about to eat a cranberry muffin. It looked good. I wanted it. I was happy to be able to eat it. Then, my mother and my brother (my brother, whom I have not seen in years) told me it wasn't good. They said the muffin was disappointing and not worth eating.  They told me I should have chocolate ganache instead (strangely in the shape of a Santa Claus-- dreams are so weird sometimes). I agreed to eat the chocolate but then my well meaning family members kept trying to influence what flavor (and Santa shape) I ate. They argued over which was best. I got overwhelmed in my dream and decided I would not eat anything. I just wanted coffee. Now- in real life coffee i s my comfort and my "safety net" so that was not unusual. But back in the dream, they did not ...