Careening Down

My son on his bike I saw a young man driving down the super busy 6 lane divided highway "popping a wheelie" on his speeding sport motorcycle this afternoon. My heart dropped and I immediately said aloud (though I was alone in the car), "Oh don't drive like that. Your life has so much value!"  I know I am SUCH a mom! But you see...even though I did not know that young man, it was personal for me as a mom. Because my own beloved, precious, amazing 21 year old son rides a sport bike just like that. He's crazy, fast, dangerous and stupid on his bike. I know. He knows. He tells me all about his insane, dangerous escapades on the bike.  So when I witnessed, for myself, the life-threatening, haphazard riding of that motorcyclist this afternoon, it scared and upset me. I hate that anyone's son would be so careless and reckless with his life.  His infinitely valuable, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable soul was put at risk for a few exhilarating moments of cheap thril...

I do not enjoy ice breaker games. I'm no good at them. I always get flustered at the thought of people looking at me and my mind shuts down (social anxiety anyone!??!?!) ...  but I thought for fun on here I'd play that silly game 2 truths and a lie.....here I have all the time I need to think....and no one is looking at me expectantly.... First category--body  1. I have 6 children but have never had any contractions on my own. Only one of my children is adopted. I did not have any c-section births. 2. I got my ears pierced at 5 years old and smiled the entire time- no tears, no grimace, just pure happiness. 3. I have 2 tattoos- one of an animal you can see and 1 one of a religious symbol that is more hidden. Second category- life choices 1. I met my husband when he was in a Catholic seminary studying to be a priest. And also when he was dating a friend of mine. 2. I went to college for 4 years and wracked up 10 years worth of student debt but did not get a degree of any sort. ...

I found this quiz through someone else’s blog and thought it sounded interesting. It was a quick one- only 12 questions…which for me was quite easy. For my daughter, those 12 questions were like torture. She agonized through each one….but in the end- we both ended up where I thought we’d be. I am an upholder. She is a rebel, (and, also as I predicted, my husband is an obliger--- the king of obligers).  So what does it all mean? The quiz is about tendencies- what you do and why. An upholder is one who meets both the expectations of others and the expectations one puts on themselves. Yep…that’s me.  The results explanation indicates that actually not that many people are upholders. Most people do not do as good a job of meeting the expectations they put on themselves (at least not without some sort of outside authority or accountability). Me? I have HIGH expectations- for others but most of all for myself. I am an overachieving perfectionist who WILL do what I say I will do....

Exactly 6 years ago today we became a foster home. We found out we were licensed and ready via phone call at about 3 pm that day. We were approved and licensed to take in one child. At about 6 pm, we got a call for a sibling set of 2 childre n. By 9 pm, we had our first placements in our home- before we even had the paperwork in hand that said we were official. The children were a 2 year old little boy (the children had been removed from their home on his 2nd birthday) and his 11 month old baby sister. From that first moment in our arms, those 2 babies turned our lives upside down in the most chaotic, insane, tumultuous ways. We truly did not know before then that lives could be so traumatic. We did not know sin could run so deep in a family. We did not know babies could be so utterly and completely impacted and hurt and broken by the mistakes and shortcomings of their parents. We would learn- the hard way- the effects of early childhood trauma. Over the next 4 1/2 years (and longer)...

  March 17 is, of course, St. Patrick’s Day! The day we celebrate St. Patrick and Ireland and all things green. We decorate with shamrocks and (hopefully) remember the Trinity… And in my family….we rejoice in the gift of my Grandmother. She was born on St. Patrick’s Day 101 years ago. She died 5 years ago, just shy of her 96 th birthday.   But that only makes her birthday that much more of a memorial for me. I was born into a family of 4 children, all of us within 5 years of each other in age. My parents were super young and super poor when they welcomed us into their lives. My mom was busy, busy, busy keeping up with 4 young children and caring for our home. My dad was building his career. No one had a lot of time or energy to pour into one overly sensitive, very emotional, insecure little girl who was plagued with anxiety and insomnia, even as a small child. No one….except my Grandma. My Grandma was the one person who truly accepted me for who I was. And, she not only...

Much of eating disorder treatment (or mine at least) is about education- and scare tactics. Part of this is due to the nature of eating disorders. They are a mental illness and one of the characteristics of eating disorders is something called  anosognosia . It is defined as:  a lack of insight resulting from physiological damage to the brain.  There was a famous study on starvation back in the 1940's that has since formed a sort of basic foundation for understanding some the effects and symptoms of eating disorders. The study was conducted by Ancel Keys and he found (among other things) that:   "The life of the organism is prolonged or maintained closer to normal than would otherwise be the case by the rather desperate expedient of reducing the mass activity of the organism." So your heart shrinks and can experience arrhythmia. Your digestive and reproductive systems slack off or stop. Your brain functions at its most basic level.  I read a book entitled "...

The following are excerpts from my journal that were written at my lowest points...I promise, after this, I will try to share some more positive posts that point towards progress and recovery and healing. But it IS a journey and to truly appreciate it, I think it is important to share where I've been... 12-5-22 "I thought if there was less of me people might see me better- see that I am struggling, miserable, tired, needy, lonely, depressed, despairing...maybe someone would help? Or care?  No one sees." 12-11-22 "Very, very rough day. My weight scared me. My recent weakness scared me. I decided I really, really did need to allow myself to eat more...I felt ok [about the amount of food]. Then, I shared with my husband some of my thoughts and he made me feel like I'd eaten plenty, maybe too much. We both lost it with fighting for the next hour. I exercised 4 hours and 40 minutes today...only slept 5 hours last night." 12-15-22 "I dropped a 5 lb weight on ...

If you are new start here . I have always found comfort and pleasure in food...and then food became my enemy. I did not originally enjoy exercise but simply endure it...and then exercise became my sole focus and my #1 priority. I love and adore and value my family above all else...and then they became an interruption and an obstacle to my workouts. I have never had stronger, firmer muscles, better endurance or more discipline in my life for anything like I have for working out for the last couple of years...and I have never been weaker in my ability to fight and overcome something like this that has such a strong hold on me. I have always had control issues and a desire to control everything and the ED definitely stems from that sense of control- over my body, my weight, the scale, etc...and yet it has completely taken control of me and left me powerless to control my exercise compulsion. About a week before I went into an in patient residential treatment center for my eating disorder,...

I was always a fat baby- chubby and round and roll-y. My dad called me "slim" because I was anything but.... There are only a handful of pictures of me as a baby but in more than half of them, I am eating. I have always loved food and found great, great comfort in it. I needed the comfort because I never felt like I fit in or was good enough- not at home, not at school, not at all. I was awkward, painfully shy, introverted, insecure, and overly sensitive.  I have a sister who is 18 months older than I am. She is (and always has been) popular, fun, easy to get along with, friendly, and a perfect people pleaser. Everyone likes her- you can't help it. She's wonderful. When people compared us (which in my mind was often) she always came out on top....except that as we grew up, I outgrew my fat baby rolls and was always naturally thin and tall. She was shorter and rounder and very conscious of her weight. When we would fight or tease each other, as siblings do, she would p...