Reliable to a Fault?!?!?!? Is there such a thing?

I found this quiz through someone else’s blog and thought it sounded interesting. It was a quick one- only 12 questions…which for me was quite easy. For my daughter, those 12 questions were like torture. She agonized through each one….but in the end- we both ended up where I thought we’d be. I am an upholder. She is a rebel, (and, also as I predicted, my husband is an obliger--- the king of obligers). 

So what does it all mean? The quiz is about tendencies- what you do and why. An upholder is one who meets both the expectations of others and the expectations one puts on themselves. Yep…that’s me. 

The results explanation indicates that actually not that many people are upholders. Most people do not do as good a job of meeting the expectations they put on themselves (at least not without some sort of outside authority or accountability). Me? I have HIGH expectations- for others but most of all for myself. I am an overachieving perfectionist who WILL do what I say I will do. 

I am reliable to a fault… I remember once I said I’d help out with a fundraiser at Church and then my daughter got sick with a stomach flu. I was so stressed out and anxious as I pondered how to juggle both responsibilities. I could easily have called the woman in charge and told her my daughter was sick and I could not make it….but I had promised. Someone was counting on me. So, I did both. I cared for my child to a point of exhaustion, then ran up to Church for my hour stint at the fundraising table and then back home to be there for my child again. I was a mess over it all but I did it. 

I have always put pressure on myself to do exactly what others want from me. I was an “A” student but I struggled in school and was always very stressed by it. I was always convinced, I was going to disappoint my teachers or my parents or myself. I have always felt that anything less than perfection is failure. 

I have always been very “all or nothing” in all my thoughts. As a toddler, when I spilled my milk, I looked at my mom and said, “You probably don’t love me anymore.” And I truly believed that was true. 

When I was in inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder (I've been home exactly one month today....) my therapist there asked me, "On days you cannot exercise 4 hours , do you find yourself restricting calories more? Or fasting?"

I looked at her like she clearly didn't get it...Or get me. 

"There are no days I cannot exercise 4 hours." If I set that as my expectation, I will meet it no matter what. And I did. I did not take a day off. I would sacrifice whatever was necessary in order to fit in my workouts. I never had a day I couldn't do it. I never had a day I didn't meet the basic needs of my family, as well. I did it all. I had to. It was expected of me.

I am in a better place now....a slightly better place. I do not set my goal at 4 hours of exercise a day.

These days my upholding looks more like- I promised myself I would do 2 hours of exercise. I promised myself I would NOT eat that second bite of cake. I promised myself I would only eat 1200 calories. I will not let anyone down by eating too much, losing control in the face of food, or letting myself relax or rest to a point of laziness (by my high expectation definition.) 

I WILL still hold myself to my goals and vows…even if it means harming myself. I think most (all?) eating disorders are driven by high expectations, by perfectionism, by control and personal accountability and reliability. These are amazing traits to have …..until they are not, until they turn on you to a point of danger….