Careening Down

 

Sometimes you have to truly hit bottom before you are able to change momentum and move forward...... I think I finally hit bottom.... I think I finally realized I AM still " sick enough "... I once heard that food is the addiction of the responsible. Meaning, of course, that eating disorders are most prevalent in type A, perfectionist, overachieving go-getters.  I am a total perfectionist. I am responsible & reliable to a fault, at times. I am a poster child for eating disorders, I guess. I have also been teetering on the edge of starvation and extreme malnutrition from anorexia for the last few years. Prior to that, I exercised compulsively but in a somewhat balanced manner, if that makes sense. I have obsessed over my weight and attached it firmly to my self-worth my whole life. I have never had a healthy relationship or perspective on eating and food and exercise. But, I have always been functional. I have always been responsible. Eating disorder recovery is n...

  March 24, 2024 I am struggling more than ever these days…work is uncertain, my little guy is struggling too and is easily triggered and ALWAYS on the verge of anger (or already solidly there). I have slipped so completely back into major restriction and starvation. I exercise about 90 minutes a day and make sure I burn at least 400 calories. Every Day. Every Single Day. I eat as little as possible and drink entirely too much coffee- never consuming any other beverages at all.   I am not nourished, not hydrated, not well rested. I have no healthy coping techniques and things are going from bad to worse by the minute… I was thinking as I struggled this afternoon- "I wish I could starve myself enough to feel good." I wanted that fleeting moment of success and accomplishment that skipping a meal gives me…or skipping a whole day of meals…..then I realized, "starving myself DOESN’T make me feel good."  I clearly had that thought. And yet, I can’t stop. I do not ...

  Mental illness is so much more understood these days—and yet unless you experience it personally, you really can’t understand it entirely. And the world?!?!?!?   There are still a lot of clueless people out there in the big wide world. Anorexics often have what they feel are “safe” foods. And what they consider “fear” foods. Tackling the "fear" and going outside the comfort zone of "safe" foods is a huge part of recovery and a huge part of the struggle. My safe foods are shredded lettuce and canned whipped cream. I know that sounds strange and silly but those two things pretty much sustain me on the hardest days. They are my go to on those days when the stress and anxiety are debilitating and the eating disorder voice just screams and screams at me. They comfort me on the days I feel I have no effective coping technique other than starvation and extreme exercise. They are a life-preserver (literally) on those days when I just cannot put anything else in my mo...

We went to a funeral last weekend. It was for a nearly 80-year-old man, the father of a close family friend. We mourned the loss and were saddened to say good bye but we also were able to celebrate his life.   He achieved his life’s goals and led a full life with a successful career, a loving wife, a devoted son & 2 precious, adorable grandchildren. At the end of the Mass, I witnessed a beautiful exchange between the man’s wife and a young mother who approached to pay her respects with her infant son in her arms. The baby had been a bit fidgety and antsy during the ceremony…but he burst into a huge grin when facing the grief-stricken widow. She too smiled in spite of her tears. She couldn’t help it- the baby’s joy was infectious. It was beautiful to see life intersect with death and realize this is God’ s plan. It is truly “The circle of life” as the Lion King movie calls it. Last night, my husband and his siblings met over zoom from various corners of the country to discuss ...

It's summer time!  An easy time to be thankful! Also a crazy time with no real routine and lots of excitement going on and a few meltdowns here and there. And life, life, life humming along with its ups and downs and gifts and blessings and challenges and struggles....  Here are my mid-June tomorrow is the official start of summer thankfuls.... Thankful for our beautiful trip to St. Louis to visit family and friends there- Beauty in Art- the Chihuly Exhibit at the Botanical Gardens We saw so many new animals there! An axolotl. Beauty in God's amazing creatures.   Beauty in the simple things- my kids catching lightning bugs for the 1st time ever. We don't get them where we live. Beauty in nature    Beauty in family time! Thankful for childhood summer joys-- Thankful for the amazing fun of church camps- for little ones and not quite so little ones-- Thankful for sports my kids enjoy-- So much more to appreciate in this world and in my life...but time is short and ...

It is May!  So "May" at our house- so much going on in life right now.... but that means so much to be thankful for too: Thankful for May: May is Foster Care Awareness Month- an issue near and dear to me  because I fostered 30 children, adopting my youngest son from the foster care syste m May is Mental Health Awareness Month- a cause I am very personally affected by :( May is the month dedicated to Our Blessed Mother in the Catholic Church- I have a strong devotion and connection to the Blessed Virgin Mary- for a million reasons and they all come to one- she leads us closer to her son, our Savior. Thankful for: my home We have lived in the same modest, little house for 22 years. Lately, I've been buying some new old things-- antique and vintage furniture--I've been making some small updates around the house too, to make it more functional, more fun, more "me".... My daughter bought this antique student desk for me...I don't even have it yet but I know i...