Over weight

 I am over weight.

Over the weight I want to be. Over the weight I promised myself I'd never go over. Over the weight I am comfortable with. Over a weight I can feel good about myself at. 

Also, I am over talking about weight and worrying about weight and agonizing about my weight. I am over therapy appointments and doctor appointments and dietician appointments all focused on my weight.

I am so over it all!  

Medically I am what they call "weight restored". Medically speaking, I am recovered from my eating disorder. I am no longer an anorexic. The number on the scale confirms that, as does the fit of my way-too-tight "skinny clothes."

The fat clothes fit well now. Much better, in fact, than the word "recovered" does. Because my weight is in a (medically) healthy place but my eating habits and attachment to exercise and fears of the scale and the mirror are lagging a bit behind. I still have a disordered relationship with food. And with working out. And, especially, with my fat body.

There was a time that there was not an ounce of fat on my body. Now I have way, way, way too many pounds of it. It has developed and delivered itself all over my body. Back "in the day", I did not miss my wide hips or chunky thighs. I do now miss my stick legs and skinny clothes. i miss needing to cinch a belt around my waist or safety pinning my skirts to keep them up.

I looked in the mirror this morning before going to Church and asked myself, "Can I live with this (the size of my body and the fit of my outfit)?"

The irony hit me. Very literally, this IS where I can live. That emaciated, scrawny skin & bones body that I preferred the look and feel of was killing me. It was failing. My heart was wearing out. My bones were getting brittle. My brain was incapable of rationality. My organs were barely functioning.

This full sized body is my only option for life, a real, full life.  So, I don't really have much choice. It's either overweight or undernourished. Alive or dying. 

I'm working to and slowly beginning to accept reality and find peace in my big round body.