Still here. Still struggling....still trying to recover- sort of....
March 24, 2024 I am struggling more than ever these days…work is uncertain, my little guy is struggling too and is easily triggered and ALWAYS on the verge of anger (or already solidly there). I have slipped so completely back into major restriction and starvation. I exercise about 90 minutes a day and make sure I burn at least 400 calories. Every Day. Every Single Day. I eat as little as possible and drink entirely too much coffee- never consuming any other beverages at all. I am not nourished, not hydrated, not well rested. I have no healthy coping techniques and things are going from bad to worse by the minute… I was thinking as I struggled this afternoon- "I wish I could starve myself enough to feel good." I wanted that fleeting moment of success and accomplishment that skipping a meal gives me…or skipping a whole day of meals…..then I realized, "starving myself DOESN’T make me feel good." I clearly had that thought. And yet, I can’t stop. I do not ...