Reddi for the Hard Days

 

Mental illness is so much more understood these days—and yet unless you experience it personally, you really can’t understand it entirely. And the world?!?!?!?  There are still a lot of clueless people out there in the big wide world.

Anorexics often have what they feel are “safe” foods. And what they consider “fear” foods. Tackling the "fear" and going outside the comfort zone of "safe" foods is a huge part of recovery and a huge part of the struggle.

My safe foods are shredded lettuce and canned whipped cream. I know that sounds strange and silly but those two things pretty much sustain me on the hardest days. They are my go to on those days when the stress and anxiety are debilitating and the eating disorder voice just screams and screams at me. They comfort me on the days I feel I have no effective coping technique other than starvation and extreme exercise. They are a life-preserver (literally) on those days when I just cannot put anything else in my mouth. I feel better and more at peace when I know my safe foods are available and in abundance- just in case one of those days hits me.

Today I ran to the grocery store at 7 a.m. I needed to stock up on a few things and we were having company over as well. So, I bought a few things to have on hand to offer our visiting friends and I restocked my whipped cream stash while I was there. 

I was using the self-check out so no stranger had to scan my items and the store was pretty empty so no meddling customers were nosily eyeing my purchases. I don’t really care what others think…but I DID hope I could just do my shopping and go home without any delays or distractions.

As I was approaching the self-checkout registers though, 2 store employees looked in the cart at the 15 cans of whipped cream. They both sort of laughed and one said, “I guess somebody having a fun time at their house.”

The other employee said, “Looks like there’s going to be a big party!”

And as I offered a half smile and tried to just go pay for my items quietly, I heard one last comment, “I bet there’s a great story behind all that. I’d love to hear it.”

It felt so defeating to hear their silly banter and I felt very exposed and taunted that they felt the need to discuss something that is truly so personal and difficult for me. I know buying 15

cans of Reddi Whip is strange….But I am doing what I can to get to a healthy place and that sometimes means consuming the only calories that seem okay. 

No one will understand, and I guess I don’t want them too. I would not wish mental illness on anyone. But I also wish I didn’t feel judged, mocked, and on display.