Irony

My son on his bike

I saw a young man driving down the super busy 6 lane divided highway "popping a wheelie" on his speeding sport motorcycle this afternoon. My heart dropped and I immediately said aloud (though I was alone in the car), "Oh don't drive like that. Your life has so much value!" 

I know I am SUCH a mom!

But you see...even though I did not know that young man, it was personal for me as a mom. Because my own beloved, precious, amazing 21 year old son rides a sport bike just like that. He's crazy, fast, dangerous and stupid on his bike. I know. He knows. He tells me all about his insane, dangerous escapades on the bike. 

So when I witnessed, for myself, the life-threatening, haphazard riding of that motorcyclist this afternoon, it scared and upset me. I hate that anyone's son would be so careless and reckless with his life.  His infinitely valuable, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable soul was put at risk for a few exhilarating moments of cheap thrill....

But here's the irony that hit me a minute after I admonished that rash, daring, imprudent driving-  I am also careless and stupid with my own precious life...

Because right before I saw that motorcycle stunt, I had been looking at my phone (at a red light, stopped and safe). But, I was checking out my workout app and picking a weight training workout to do later today. As I was choosing my workout, my chest was hurting. My heart has been in arrhythmia on and off for weeks but most especially this past weekend. My old familiar pre-hospitalization weakness and brain fog plagued me to a point of fear just 2 days ago. 

If the things my dietician (and the medical tests performed at the hospital) indicated are true, my body cannot sustain normal functioning right now- not on the calories I am allowing. And yet, I push myself daily. 

I not only continue to keep up with my busy life as normal, I also continue to exercise about 2 hours a day. And I continue to count and restrict my caloric intake to a degree of obsession. I am, like that stupid motorcyclist, playing fast and loose with my life...and yet I do not usually FEEL like I am doing anything dangerous. I do not feel I am taking stupid chances or risking my valuable life.... I feel ok,  most of the time. And when I don't, it feels so "normal" and familiar at this point, I don't worry about it much. I feel strong and healthy enough....but I also know I should probably eat a bit more each day. I should probably take it a bit easier with the exercise.